F**K the Waltons

So, it's been much too long since I've posted. You have no doubt forgotten all about me, and that's fine. However, recent events have made me so angry that I've had to blog just to get my emotions out. I'm talking about my certifiable hate for the Waltons.

No, not those Waltons. While I have no love for the backwoods-g'night John Boy-we're poor Okies variety of Waltons, I also harbor no ill will towards them. They can't help it that they're simple country folk. No, my anger is aimed at the Waltons of the Sam variety. That's right - the family that owns Wal-Mart.

In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Wal-Mart. I think that the W is the work of the devil, and the death of all that makes America great. Wal-Mart is a corporate behemoth that kills everything it touches. It seeps into societies and shuts down all manner of Mom & Pop shops. It is the deathnail for the locally owned business. Furthermore, it is Wal-Mart that is to blame for the homogenization of America. Because of Sam Walton's trickery, we all dress alike and live in homes that are decorated in the same bland manner.

As if this weren't insulting enough, Wal-Mart has now defiled all that is lovely. I am of course referencing their new merger with Martha Stewart. I love Martha Stewart. I appreciate her delicate crafts, her tedious recipes, and her blatant snobbery. I love every ounce of her pretencious soul. She has all of the charm of a school marm who is scolding you - and yet I want to emulate her. Until now, that is.....

Up until now, I have supported Martha's business ventures. For years, La Stewart has been the only reason that I'd step foot in a K-Mart. K-Mart quit being socially relevant about 20 years ago - but I've endured the time warp of their stores just so that I could purchase Martha Stewart sheet sets, duvet covers, tea towels, dishwares and candles. Each holiday season I've ventured there to marvel at her Christmas decor - coveting her tasteful giftwrap and elegant ribbons. I have lit her candles with the ceremony of lighting altar candles - hoping that my home would be infused with some of her class. I have purchased her magazines and cookbooks, and I have tried to emulate her in my own homemaking. No more, I tell you - NO MORE.

Recently, I saw a commercial for Wal-Mart. The scene is of two housewives commenting on how nice the backyard wedding of their friend is. One notes that it was all purchased at Wal-Mart, while the other quips that it looks so "Martha Stewart". The domestic doyenne enters and agrees that it is Martha Stewart - as her new line is available exclusively at Wal-Mart. Oh horror of horrors! Martha - how could you forsake me?

I am disappointed in Martha, as she is a pioneer of "do-it-yourself" and Wal-Mart seeks to destroy all of that. Wal-Mart stands for uniformity and the anihilation of all that is unique and one-of-a-kind, both things that I thought Martha stood for. Shame on you, Martha. This new venture is surely not a good thing.